Last night I had a melt down. It kind of wasn't really pregnancy related, but definitely affected it nonetheless. Over the memorial day weekend a friend I want to high school with was attacked at a well known beach. He died Sunday morning. This has been weighing very heavy on my heart. I honestly haven't talked to him since graduation but we've kept tabs on each other via facebook. I mean he knew I had graduated college, gotten married, etc. and I knew he was trying to get his music career started. He had recorded several tracks (I think more like a whole CD) with is group and was trying to do big things- he also recently had a little baby no more than 7 months old. When I found out (via facebook) I was shocked and very disappointed. I can't fathom why people feel the need to be so brutal to others. I don't know the entire circumstances surrounding the attack (nor do I care to know) but it didn't garner death. There are some people who I absolutely cannot stand to come in contact with... so I don't. I'd never consider taking some one's life... even if they did the unthinkable.
So last night a mutual friend posted an article that tells how the suspects were apprehended (shortly following the incident), in jail (held on $500,000 bail), and went to court recently (like yesterday) to be arraigned (I think). I read it and it bought me some peace that his family now knows that the ones who are responsible for their pain is in police custody and will be punished for the pain they are causing. In light of this I insisted upon finding our senior class trip pictures. We went to six flags and it was one of the last times we ALL took pictures together- apart from graduation. I found them and he was in them (of course he was that's why I wanted to find them) at first it bought back a lot of memories. I don't remember too much about that day (which is why I HAVE to take pictures at every event I go to) except what's in the pictures - like everyone had to get a crazy hat and the group picture we took in said hats. I also needed a shower (more about why later). When I got in the shower I was flooded with feelings of pain, sorrow, and grief. I was bullied in childhood and so was my brother and I know how much it affected us (my brother had it worse than I did) and this killing is sort of a form of bullying and I couldn't take it anymore. I instantly felt really bad for any pain that I've caused anyone- whether it wasn't saying hi to the new kid in the lunch room or yelling at someone who cut me off while driving (dramatic, I know) and then I had the most intense pain in my belly.
Holy crap! My feelings were affecting my child and I had to pull it together right away. I managed to get out the shower and go lay down. Soon after my husband found me and comforted me. The pain continued off and on. I knew I had to pull it together and get my mind off of it. It's not that my friend no longer mattered but I couldn't let my little one suffer (if he or she was). The baby was squirming the entire time so s/he was "ok" but I had to stop the madness. I asked my husband to read to me about the baby. So he did. We read about the 27th week and what's happening with me and the baby's growth. The whole ordeal lasted about 30 minutes from the time I got out the shower. If it had gone any longer I was calling the doctor. Why didn't I do that in the first place? Because I "knew" what the problem was and I would have just gotten more worked up if she had said 'go to the hospital' thoughts of pre-term labor, emergency c-sections, and all other stuff flooded my brain so I could do only one thing: pull it together!
After laughing about how my pregnancy book told me to unload all my problems on my spouse to help me sleep at night, I was better. Much better. He was there for
This morning I woke up to baby kicks in the belly and feeling prayerful for my friend's family. When I get home tonight, I'm putting the pictures away- for now. Later on when I can handle it, I will scan them and post them on facebook so the rest of my classmates will be able to remember the good times we had with him.
This post started out as my weekly pregnancy progress update. I've now changed the title deleted all the pregnancy stuff and will repost it later. I just needed to put that out there.