I haven't posted anything in nearly two weeks. My absence is due to a lot of things that I have going on right now... let me explain.
Our nanny found a job at a childcare center so now we are looking for new options for our son. Honestly, I'm kind of angry about it. I understand it's beyond my control and she has to do what's best for her family but it's put us in a bind that I would rather not be in, especially not right now. I'll chalk it up to a learning experience and I've taken away a lot from this.
For almost a month now the sickies have been going around our house...and it's only 3 of us! I hate seeing my son sick although he's handling it very well. In fact, he really isn't complaining at all! What gets to me the most is hearing him coughing and snoring throughout the night. It's something that def calls for extra snuggles.
In order to function properly for the day I need about 9 hours of sleep. While this is in line with what "experts" recommend it doesn't seem logical. Most moms I know not only survive on less sleep but they do it quite well (from my perspective). Luckily, at the moment my commuting time consists of about 5 minutes round trip (which will likely change due to the child care situation) So if I spend 9 hours sleeping and 8 at work, that leaves me 7 hours per day to get things done. It seems like a lot of time on paper but it doesn't translate that way in real life.
We are seriously considering joining a CSA (community supported agriculture) this summer and I couldn't be more excited about it! It's basically a local farm that delivers fresh produce to your home weekly. I don't think this is an opportunity we would have had where we used to live and I think it's not only a way of supporting our local farmers (who need our support) but it may be a little healthier for our family. This farm is state certified organic and organic produce is something that I've been looking into for a few weeks. We stumbled upon this opportunity and I feel like it's the right choice for or family. We will get produce delivered once a week for 23 weeks at a cost that averages out to $23-$24 per week. If we decide to sign up of course I'll post how it's going/went for us. I'm not exactly sure how much we will get and you don't always get the same items or a predictable set of items but I think we can work around that.
I've been thinking about shutting down my blog. While I love to blog and the friendships I've formed I don't feel like it's not going the way I envisioned it. I'm not the type of blogger who has tons of posts lined up waiting to be published and when i go more than two days (excluding weekends) without posting I feel bad. I'd like to be a more consistent blogger but when life gets hectic 'FMTM' gets put on the back burner and that's not the way I feel it should be. Of course I have the power to change that but I also need some sleep. If you read articles about 'how to start a blog' the first thing listed is always define your niche. Well I feel like I don't have a niche anymore. My blog started out as a way to document my pregnancy but that's been over for a year and half. So the logical thing to do is document my child's progress right? Well since he turned 6 months old I've been shotty at best with that. Plus, I feel like it's more of a brag fest than a documentation. It's more about look how big s/he is... look how many words s/he can say and that's not cool. I mean it's one thing to be proud, it's one thing to document to see how far s/he has come along, heck it's a good comparison tool for any future babies! I think it's the comparison thing that gets me the most. I have an issue with silent competitions from my past and it's something that I'd like to leave in my past. And then there's the one day we get real busy and I forget to write down how many new words he's said, what new foods he's tried, and then a huge chunk of info is missing and I feel like it's no longer worth "documenting".
Then I contend a lot with what I post. This blog is supposed to be for me but when I do my hair posts I feel like a good chunk of my 'regulars' just don't relate. When I do posts about baking there are lots of crickets... and this... it just needs to go. Some of my favorite blogs refer to themselves as lifestyle blogs but I'm not sure if that is really what I want to lean towards, know what I mean?! I guess you can call this my mid-blog identity crisis. I think I may have found a way to pull it all together but it requires some serious help and investing a bit of lot into something that I may not be able to commit to regularly. I've also thought of just making the blog private that way I know those who are here because they want to be here and not because they are returning a link-up favor.
Mommy guilt has hit me hard in the last month. I know this has a lot to do with what I perceive other moms to be doing which I know is a recipe for disaster but I can't help it. Don't we learn from each other?? In my mind I should be able to provide my family with healthy various meal options daily, keep our home neat, tidy, and relatively clean, play with our son- helping him grow, learn, and thrive, and still contribute to the household financially. Is that a lot? I don't believe so. Am I being unrealistic? I don't believe so. Is it proving to be doable? absolutely NOT! I can't understand for the life of me why I stand in front of the fridge stumped over what to make for dinner (and don't even get me started on breakfast), why my house always seems to be dirty (not including the tot's mess), and it seems like my son refuses to respond to anything I try to teach him but our nanny has taught him his farm animal sounds, mostly all of the rest of his body parts, and he does the entire alphabet sounds with my husband! I'm not even going to bring up how he knows his colors but when I ask him to ID a color he looks at me as if I asked him to solve an algebra equation. Sometimes I feel like I can't win!
I've been trying to dedicate some time here and there to practicing my photography. I can't wait to share with you my progress and that's of course if I choose to keep this space of mine in operation.
Thanks for reading my 'brain dump'... that's if you actually made it to this point. I know no one like a Debbie Downer but if it's not all peaches and cream then I'm not going to pretend that it is.
Sorry to hear that little boy is not feeling very well, hope he is getting better already.
ReplyDeleteI feel you lady.
It is good to let out what you are feel once in a while. Don't be hard on yourself about the issue you raised above because we all go through them and I am sure you are great mother and wife :).
I love having you as a blog friend, please keep this place up if you are comfortable with it because as i am always reminded blogging is a journey with ups and downs and maybe you are going through the downs {i've been there so many time}
You can take a break {i have done that too :} and come back because I will always here. but please keep doing what you love and put your family first that's the most important thing.
love and hugs
Awww the nanny situation sucks and it's definitely upsetting. I understand About the blogging...you can always return to it when the passion returns...there's has to be passion behind it in order to make it fun!! And would love to see more of your photography!
ReplyDeleteYou do have a lot on your plate right now. Sick babies are the worst, I hope your baby feels better soon.
ReplyDeleteMommy guilt is such a bad feeling even when we know we shouldn't feel guilty somehow we still do. My grandma had 9 kids and somehow she didn't do any of the stuff that people do nowadays yet she managed to raise strong amazing kids, all of whom graduated from college. So there is a perspective for you right there.
About your blog, I think you should do what feels good to you. Don't worry about the readers, not everyone is ever going to relate to everything and that is just life. If you do what you want to do then you won't have that need to make sure that you please or relate to everyone. I hope you don't shut it down, it's been fun reading about your adventures.
Brain dump is definitely good for the soul. Good luck with whatever life decisions you make
There's a lot going on right now so it's perfectly understandable that you'll feel overwhelmed right now.
ReplyDeleteYour household is sick, your nanny is leaving, you don't feel the house is tidy, you don't have a menu plan, you don't feel like you giving enough time to your blog.. It's A LOT.
I think you should take a moment to step back and look in. You'll see so much more because you're viewing it as though it isn't your situation. I don't know if that makes sense but I know that has helped me during times I feel like everything going on is out of my control.
Don't stop your blog. Please!
Like TOI said, blogging has it's ups and downs, and you can always take a break till you get your mojo back :), and if it doesn't come back it's fine (no actually its not...ok it is :P).
ReplyDeleteI can't remember the last time I got 9 hours of sleep. Even though I've tried countless times, I just cannot do it unless I'm sick and under medication. I think the last time I've gotten over 6 hours of sleep because I just could, I was in high school. -_-
ReplyDeleteSorry about you and the babies being sick. It's always hard when you see your little ones and loved ones sick. I hope by now that you all are feeling much better.
Let go of the mommy guilt. I learned that a long time ago. Let. It. Go.