Blighted.

That's what the doctor called my ovum.

Seriously though?

Of all the things I needed a blighted ovum was not it.

I can't even believe that I am addressing this issue again. Miscarriage.

I'm not even sure I have the words to write or the thoughts to express. It's all just a numbing feeling that won't go away, always in the back of my mind. Another due date come and gone. Another round of the "I'm so sorry"ies. I wish it would all just go away.

There are still days that I think about what my life...
no, our life would be like with Irish twins. I remember being in such a panic that everything had gone wrong and now.... now?! I can't even put into words what I would do to have my babies back.

Somehow in the back of my mind- I think I knew this one wasn't going to end well. In the weeks leading up to my first doctor's appointment I kept saying "I just want there to be a heartbeat" to anyone who knew. everyone kept reassuring me that it would all be ok.

But then....

.... it wasn't. Because today should have been my due date.