I'm finally hitting publish

I've been debating on writing this post since the day it happened. So many emotions, feelings, and none of the words to convey it. But lately it's been on my mind more and more and a few times I've even let it slip. This post has been in my drafts for quite some time and now it's time for me to come clean.

written wednesday decemeber 14, 2011:

 

WW: This blog just got interesting

 

 

written sunday january 1, 2012

 

I can't believe this is happening. Just a year ago today I found out I was expecting baby #1, now I am losing baby #2. Damn me for thinking that I couldn't do this. Damn me for caring what other people would think about us having "Irish twins". Damn me for wondering how we were going to 'get a double stroller'. Damn it all! I just want my baby back...

 

written friday august 17, 2012

This day last year was supposed to be a huge day for me...

Today was supposed to be another momentous occasion

Today was supposed to be the day I was expected to welcome

Although he'll never be in my arms, he'll always be in my heart...



written monday novemeber 26, 2012

Although he was only with us for 2 months it still kind of hurts. At times I feel I was in someway responsible for losing our baby. So many thoughts ran through my head before I even told my husband. I honestly thought he would be mad (foolish me). I also thought that I wasn't even off maternity leave yet and already I had to put in a request for another (that one actually made me giggle). I was scared because with another baby comes more baby expenses. I don't believe in any way shape or form that it would be someone else's responsibility to support my baby but I could use another baby shower as we could use a double stroller now. I was hopeful because this time around I could possibly have an unmediated birth and breastfeed a little longer.



I first suspected I was pregnant way before I could even take a test. Then I was just afraid to. At first, I even took an OPK instead to see if it would turn positive (there have been extensive world class studies done that shows OPK's can turn positive if you are pregnant. source: peeonastick.com =)). I mean my son was barely 3 months old and I thought I was pregnant again?! I had no signs or symptoms (much like when I was pregnant the first time) just a mother's intuition. We had only been intimate once (okay maybe twice) after I got the go ahead from my doctor. I know I was the only post partum mom in the WORLD  who actually felt in the mood. Clearly it's true what they say (you are more ready around ovulation time). Quite a few people has since mentioned (unbeknown to them about my miscarriage) that you are most fertile after you give birth! Nobody told me! I also worried about people judging us. I worried about what my boss would think, I worried about what my church family would think, and I worried about what my extended family would think. Later I found out that there are some (in their 50's) Irish twins in our congregation!


My doctor was amazing (as usual)! When I called and told them I needed to schedule a pregnancy confirmation appointment but was 17 weeks postpartum she had me come in right away. I am so grateful to have her as my doctor. She assured me that all would be okay and I was fully capable of carrying another baby so soon. It would just take me a little longer to get back into shape. Her nurse took my cell number and checked in on me periodically. I think they could see the panic in my face, lol!

My husband was amazing as well. I know I thought he would be mad because honestly it would have caused a bit of a financial strain on us. However, he thought he was awesome and very proud of his target practice (men!). He promised that nothing would change and he would go to every single appointment just like he did with our son. He assured me we would be fine- we could never go out to dinner again not because we couldn't afford it but because we could never convince anyone to watch our two rugrats!

No one in my family believed me when I shared the news. I told my brother first. We all know I'm not good at keeping secrets. Sadly, I only got to share bad news with anyone who wasn't my brother (my parents didn't believe me until I showed them my hospital bracelet.

I ended up in the hospital because I thought I was having an ectopic. Well- I was probably in such a panic that I just needed to know what the heck was going on. The pain... it was bad.

I remember being in my parents dining room surrounded by family. We were eating dinner, laughing, joking, and just having the perfect Christmas. I started cramping and thought to myself 'ok sweetie- snuggle in tight!'. Then the cramping kept getting more intense. After a few minutes it became pretty bad, awful even. I stopped eating and took some deep breaths. Then I started to feel even worse. The pain was getting awful by the minute. I went in the bathroom doubled over in pain. It was so bad I need to check to make sure I wasn't bleeding. My first thought was this is unreal. I found myself going back through my notes from my first pregnancy trying to remember if the cramping was this bad the first time around. No bleeding but dag did this hurt! After I felt like I been in the bathroom too long and someone would come knocking on the door I went into my parents bedroom to lay down. I must have been gone a good while because my brother found me first. I must have looked like hell because he left (after some encouraging words) and my husband found me next. I don't know if he went to go get him or hot but I was glad to see him. He stayed with me until the pain subsided. Thank God for him.

written saturday decemeber 8, 2012

I was fine for the next couple of days. Still worrying about how the world was going to react to my Irish twins. Thinking of creative ways to let the rest of our family know. My husband wanted to wait until after the first ultrasound which was scheduled for Tuesday January 3, 2012.- my first day back to work. Somehow I was supposed to swing being up in intervals throughout the night with an almost 3 month old who wasn't sleeping through the night, get him to his babysitter, shoot over to the doctor, then make it to work on time... WHAAAT?!  oh, and request another maternity leave too.

I had started my pregnancy photo project for this baby as well. Because I was so caught off guard it was going to be the exact same as I did for my first pregnancy although I will admit I had a hard time keeping up with it.

approximately 6 weeks pregnant, 17 weeks postpartum

On New Year's Eve we decided to keep it really low key. We normally spend it with friends at a big NYE bash until the wee hours of the morning. Well not so much this year. I had a little baby that I wanted to ring in the New Year with and I just wasn't up for the silliness and antics that usually come with NYE bash's. It was just my little family + my parents. I can't even remember if my brother was there or not.

I do remember the pain. That same stupid pain from Christmas day- this time even more intense. As I lay back in my parents bedroom, hubby holding my hand I quietly whispered to him that it was over. He told me not to think like that. But I just knew it was- I knew I would start bleeding at any moment. Just like I felt the life growing inside of me that made me scared to take an HPT, I could no longer feel my baby growing inside and I knew it was just a matter of time. Once the pain subsided I returned to the festivities and held my baby that I already had here with me. Sometime between that night and the next day I started to miscarry. It hurt. Physically and emotionally. I was scared to death that it was an ectopic pregnancy that would rupture and ruin my fallopian tubes ( I know- I'm very dramatic) so I convinced my husband that we should drop off our son with my parents and head to the hospital for an ultrasound.

I'm kind of bitter that I spent the first day of 2012 in the ER with an empty uterus. And how ironic is it that Channing was named People magazine's sexiest man alive?! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the "what-if's". Hubby and I even discussed asking one of our favorite nurses from the hospital if we could hire her off the books for a day to be at my son's first birthday party. We wanted her to be there for our 1 month old and keeping on track with nursing which I was determined to be more successful at. She was to be his body guard, keep him inside,  and away from germy fingers.

I pray that January 1, 2013 is nothing like January 1, 2012 but I'm not quite ready for a repeat of January 1, 2011.